Whenever I walk into my house, it’s like I’ve plunged into a knee deep trough of water. At least it seems that way as I literally wade through the dogs who are greeting me with great fervor and unabashed, enthusiastic love. And it doesn’t matter if I’ve been gone 10 minutes or 10 days — the enthusiasm is just as heady and just as deep.
So, when I got home from work the other day and was wading through to get to the ringing telephone, my way was just as impeded and every bit as filled with leaps, licks and yelps and yips.
I got to the phone, put down my purse and said “Hello” . What greeted me was a deep male voice saying “How would you like me to make love to you?”.
About that time, I take a step backwards and the 84 pound lab mix rises up out of the swamp and hits me behind the knees with his rock-solid body. I go down like a prize fighter with a glass jaw, cracking my head on the corner of something.
Somehow I managed to hang on to the stupid phone though and totally forgetting what the question at hand was, emit a moan.
“Unh!” He cries “A moaner! I LIKE that!” followed by grunts and other noises that are indescribable, but suspiciously like skin rubbing skin.
“C’mon baby, talk dirty to me” he instructs.
Well, by then I have all 8 Whippets, the 2 Chihuahuas and the Crested on top of me. They are taking turns dancing on my chest and stomach and licking or trying to lick me in the face. “Agh! Agh! No kisses!” I shout.
“Ok” he says “I’m not much into kissing either”
More grunts, a few groans from me.
More grunts, groans and that whoosh whoosh noise from him.
I manage to get a enough off my head and chest so I can raise up a bit only to crack my head on the desk top (again) “AHHHHHH!” I scream.
“Oh! You’re a screamer, too!” he says excitedly amidst very heavy panting.
About then, Jewels – the original cause of all this indelicate positioning decides he must make amends for his error and he plants all 84 lbs on me covering my face in licks.
“Oh baby! That sounds wonderful! Lick me some more!” Says my telephone Lothario.
Jewels responds to this with vigor as I try to fend him off.
“AHHHHH!” I scream again.
“AHHHHH!” comes his acompanying scream.
I finally am able to draw a deep enough breath and have presence of mind finally to say “Get OFF ME you big lug!”
I hear “Bitch!” followed by a resounding CLICK.
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LOL Margaret! That is the most entertaining thing I have read in a LONG time.
LOL! Now I must clean the water off my screen lol. Are you ok though? No serious head damage I hope.
Oww!
Sounds like you need just a couple more dogs around.
At a former residence, there was a gentleman, Mike, that lived behind me by about 40 yards. He lived in a very small apartment . In that very small apartment with him lived his wife and his dog. His dog, a very hairy, full grown Saint Bernard was under the assumption that he was a lap dog. The very first time I went to Mike’s apartment, Mike’s dog rushed me full speed and planted me on the couch. I guessing somewhere in the neighborhood of 150 pounds of fir and slobber and great affection. It was a breathtaking experience. Luckily I was dealing with a crazed phone caller at the time.
Very Nice Post.
Beamer
I had to wait a while after reading this before I made this comment as I could not even see the keyboard from all the laughing. Entertainment at its best.
Wonderful Stuff, really!
Phone sex, doggy style.
That’s a lot of dogs.
How’s your head?
thanks for the chuckle on a Sunday
LOL oh you can make me laugh. That is definitely an adventure!
Hey how to cresteds do in agility? I would love to have one someday…
That was hilarious!
@everyone — other than a tender lump or two, my head is fine. The brains within are still addled, though.
@Cynthia — Cresteds are very good in agility! I wanted a Crested for nearly 25 years before I ever got one. They are really neat dogs.
@Carol – yes, it IS a lot of dogs! Someday, I’ll be down to a more normal number.
@Ken — DARN! That would have made a great title for this post! Wish I had thought of it!
@Beamer — Yeah, guess I should be glad that Jewels isn’t a Saint or a Mastiff! Those are definitely some HUGE dogs! Oh — I saw some Neapolitan Mastiffs at the shows this weekend and OMG! Those are MONSTERS!
Oh, that was just too funny… I bet you get some good hits with this one, lol! And your choice in dogs sounds like mine.. we had goldens (not a lab) but they have since passed and we’ve got an aussie (I am sure we could share “big dog who thinks they are little dog” stories) and a whippet and the iggies (crested size I guess)… We’d have a fun play time together, ha!
And I soooo know what you mean about the 10 minutes or 10 days (though, I’m sure I could never leave them that long… ) I walk out the door, realize I forgot my cell and run back in only to be greeted as as if I’d been gone the whole day!
This is AWESOME!! Thank you for the laugh tonight.
@Judi — Thanks — I hope I get hits — you never know about Google. I love big dogs, but our house will only hold so many. The Whippets are a great compromise in that respect. And now that I’m older, have osteoarthritis, the smaller dogs are necessary if I want to continue to show and darn it! I’m just exhibitionist enough to not want to give up showing.
@Grandy — glad I could entertain
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